“In those days Jesus… was baptized by John in the Jordan… And a voice came from heaven, “You are my Son, the Beloved; with you I am well pleased.” Mark 1:9-11
Barb Schmidt, an online personality I stumbled upon recently, shared a list of the “Seven Things Adult Children May Need to Hear” from their parents. Since I’m “Three Adult Children” years old, I appreciated her exhortations. Here is her list of verbal affirmations for adult children, which could also be relevant for kids:
- “I’m so proud to be your parent.”
- “I’m sorry for any parenting choices I made that hurt you.”
- “I’m here to listen if you want to tell me about it.”
- “You are incredibly precious to me.”
- “I will always love you no matter what.”
- “My life changed for the better because you are in it.”
- “Your worth is not determined by your productivity, job title, or your relationship status.”
- “Tell me about your hopes and dreams for your life. I want to know more about what matters to you.”
My grandmother subscribed to the notion that you shouldn’t overly praise children lest they get “the big head.” The concern was that if you flatter your child excessively, the overpraise could result in arrogance and conceit. Such advice has validity—we’ve all met people who are incapable of doubting themselves or humbly receiving the wisdom of others.
But the opposite is also possible. In Colossians 3:21, Paul warns, “Fathers, do not provoke (exasperate) your children, or they may lose heart (be discouraged).” It is possible for parents who are stingy with words of affirmation to demoralize their kids. When children grow up with a steady diet of criticism, they can spend an adult lifetime desperately seeking the affirmation of parents or other significant “grade-givers.” They could even come to believe that they could never “do anything right.”
The Harvard Business Review published an article on “The Ideal Praise-to-Criticism Ratio” in 2013. The study found that both praise and criticism were needed to help motivate teams; but the ratio mattered, with members of top performing teams sharing on average 5.6 affirmations for each criticism. In an unrelated study by John Gottmann, a respected American psychologist who researches marital stability, the single biggest determinant of a couple’s likelihood of getting divorced was the ratio of positive to negative comments that partners made. His optimal ratio was also in the neighborhood of five positive comments for every negative one.
My sense is, while it is possible to overdo affirmation with your kids, chances are good that they’re needing to hear more encouraging words. May you mostly use words that build up your children, seeking to give grace to those who hear you (Eph. 4:29).
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