“Do nothing from selfish ambition or empty conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourselves. Let each of you look not to your own interests but to the interests of others.” Philippians 2:3-4
A few years ago I asked my friend Greg, who teaches college classes on interpersonal communication, what advice he would offer on how to be a better friend. Here are four nuggets of wisdom he shared that I’d like to pass on to you. Notice how this wisdom echoes Paul’s teaching above from Philippians 2.
1) Learn to ask questions and listen well. The art of asking questions begins with being genuinely interested in others, who they are, and what they value. If you’re not truly interested in them, there’s little basis for friendship. Being a curious listener involves listening to a person’s body language and tone, noticing when they get passionate. Learn to invite sharing around what you observe in their demeanor. If you think you’re a good listener, here’s a little test. When you’re having lunch with a friend, who finishes their meal first? If your plate is full and your friend’s is empty, it’s time to listen more.
2) Be an encourager. When you have some great news to share, who’s the first person you want to tell? Typically it’s an encouraging friend: you know they’re going to be happy for you and celebrate with you. They’re not going to make it all about themselves. They’ll share in your joy because your joy is their joy. Can you be that sort of person for others, celebrating their good moments and being genuinely happy for them without making it about you? Can you express feelings such as, “I appreciate you. I value you. I’m grateful for our friendship. You’ve helped me become a better person.”
3) Be willing to be vulnerable. A true friend will take risks and share their fears and concerns. If you don’t let others into your deeper feelings and thoughts, it will be hard to be more than a casual acquaintance. When you become more vulnerable, you signal that you’re willing to be a safe place for your friend to also share their struggles. One warning: Vulnerability has to grow over time. You share a struggle; your friend shares a struggle. You share more; your friend shares more. As each of you shows your trustworthiness, you become more and more transparent with each other. But someone has to be vulnerable first!
4) Initiate with others. One way to know if someone is your friend is if they include you in their life. So how do others know I’m their friend? Do I invite them to share my life, go for a walk, grab some coffee? If you want to have a friend, reach out and be a friend. During my freshman year of college, my first month was a bit lonely. One Sunday night, my friend Scott knocked on my door. He had a bag of Doritos and had come by to say “hi.” We ended up talking for three hours. That evening I knew I was going to LOVE college. And I learned an important lesson about being a friend. May God bless you as you continue to become a better friend to others!
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