“Therefore every scribe who has become a disciple in the kingdom of heaven is like the master of a household who brings out of his treasure what is new and what is old.”
– Jesus, Matthew 13:52
Ask any couple that has been together for more than ten minutes and they’ll admit that they don’t always agree on a variety of subjects. The old saying, “Opposites attract” deftly and positively summarizes what in fact can be an ongoing source of relational conflict, frustration, and misunderstandings. Even among friends who are closely matched in temperament and life experiences there can be any number of disagreements and squabbles (exhibit A: siblings!).
In his research on marital dynamics, John Gottman has observed that every marriage has a significant number of perpetual, irresolvable issues. The good news, according to Gottman, is that “you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive.” Couples can remain very satisfied in their marriages if they can find a way to deal with their unresolvable problem areas with humor, non-defensiveness, and mutual respect. Gottman advises going into marriage understanding that regardless of who you marry, “you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.” Choose wisely!
If this is true for two people, consider the complexity involved in a group of people trying to form a community around deeply held shared values, while at the same time holding a diversity of opinions, perceptions, understandings, experiences, and preferences. Consider, for example, what can happen in the church. In every church there are those who value consistency, stability, and belonging as well as those who cherish vitality, change, and newness. Talk about perpetual and unresolvable problems! You can just hear the arguments: “You traditionalists are strangling the life out of this church.” “You progressives are dismantling everything this church has ever stood for.”
Instead of acting surprised when we discover that we have these ever-present but disparate groups in the church, we would be better off cultivating the virtues of civility, graciousness, empathy and respect. Chances are, people who have diverse personality types coupled with differing life experiences are never going to fully “get” each other. But learning to keep a civil tongue, to assume the best of each other, to express disagreement respectfully, and to work hard to understand what doesn’t make sense can carry us a long way further than jumping to conclusions and assumingthe worst of others.
Just as John Gottman has observed about managing unresolvable issues in marriages, we who comprise the body of Christ would do well to treat one another with mutual respect, non-defensiveness, and a dash of humor (especially being quick to laugh at our own foibles). In my marriage, choosing to view Carrie’s and my differences as an asset rather than a liability has gone a long way toward enabling me to enjoy our life together. Choosing to see our brothers and sisters in the Lord as precious and valuable in God’s sight, despite the substantive ways in which we differ, can lay a foundation for a creative, collaborative, and growth-inducing shared life together.
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